Happiness Is An Inside Job

I've been doing lots of introspective work lately. Mostly in the form of stillness meditation. This came about when I came across The Dharma Punx, by Noah Levine.

"Noah Levine (born 1971) is an American Buddhist teacher and the author of the books Dharma Punx: A Memoir and Against the Stream. As a counselor known for his philosophical alignment with Buddhism andpunk ideology, he identifies his Buddhist beliefs and practices with both the Theravada and Mahayanatraditions.^[1] He holds a master's degree in counseling psychology from CIIS." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noah_Levine

He runs meditations & lectures both in Santa Monica & Hollywood. I've been to two so far & the experience has been eye-opening.


I've been so dissatisfied with the conditions around me & I've felt almost at the end of my rope. I've meditated & done lots of prayer before, but it wasn't until I meditated on having this relationship with myself that I understood the cause of my own suffering. I externalized my happiness. 


"I'll be happy when (fill in the blank) happens."


Despite having heard & understood this concept before, I hadn't experienced it. I understood this concept on a logical and analytical level, but I didn't have the awareness of this teaching on an experiential level. It was almost an unconscious doing of "I'll be happy when (fill in the blank) happens" which only exacerbated my current condition. It was "the harder you try, the harder it is" principle evolved. Only by experiencing the longing for happiness outside of myself did realize that the only place I had to look was inside. By sitting still long enough, I stopped externalizing & reaching for happiness outside of myself. 


Have you ever seen a dog chase its tail? 


The same thing occurs. You know that by looking at the dog he'll never be satisfied & eventually get tired of doing it. Yet the dog is so fascinated with chasing its tail that nothing else matters. It becomes obsessed with catching its tail. We think that the dog is just a dumb dog. 


Now apply this to yourself. Your situation with wanting a better job, more income, a better house, a hotter girlfriend, a younger boyfriend.... whatever it is... in principle is the same thing! You're nothing more than a stupid dog who believes that "I'll be happy when (I catch my fucking tail--Oh why, Oh why can't I catch my stupid tail!) happens." YES! you've devolved into an animal that is simply seeking instant gratification. You're seeking your next dramatic fix by unconsciously externalizing your own happiness! 


Now that you have the awareness of this, begin a practice. In truth, your life is a practice & you'll continue to develop more awareness of yourself, but for now... promise yourself to exert more love & compassion in the world by exerting more love & compassion on yourself. You do this by accepting more responsibility over your desires & turning within. Instead of racing around in your busy schedule and getting your next fix of anxiety and drama, STOP. Sit still for about 5 minutes & concentrate on your breathing. Feel each inhale. Feel each exhale. Let your thoughts simply move through you instead of trying to stop them & not think. You achieve "not thinking" by becoming an observer. You create more peace & calm in your life by first sitting still..... then accepting yourself for the lovable, deranged, obsessive-compulsive human being you are! AND in an ironic twist, you'll no longer be deranged, crazy in the head, or insane.... you'll just be lovable!

Allowing

So I'm sitting here trying to allow Angel messages to come to me. As I'm doing this, I'm finding that it's growing more difficult. The harder I'm trying, the harder it is. Simple principle, right? With anything, though, easier said than done.

I completed my first Kundalini Yoga class today. My legs were shaking as I was walking out of the class. Going into each pose, I thought, I'm athletic & flexible... this is easy. About half way into each pose, I noticed it became increasingly difficult. The harder I tried, the harder it was.

Do you see a pattern? In trying harder, or trying more, we are actually increasing the difficulty of something. We begin to push away the very thing that we are trying harder to obtain. This is a tricky concept to understand. How can someone achieve what they want without trying to achieve it in the first place?

The real trick is to understand the principle. When pursuing something, it's important to create the circumstances for you to have that something. When you begin to go after the thing you want, it's important to be aware of the temptation to chase after it. Think of it as the creepy guy who says he loves you right away. The more you pull away, the harder he tries. He tries so hard to get you, that he begins to buy you gifts. At first it's a cute stuffed animal. Then it's a bouquet of roses. He keeps trying & trying until you either slap him with a restraining order, or you do something that makes him stop chasing you. Why didn't this work? What if he really was a good guy?

The creepy guy didn't allow room for you to receive. He didn't allow himself to have the girl because he didn't create the space for him to have her. He subconsciously pushed the girl away when he began trying harder to win her love. The harder he tried, the harder it became.

The lesson here is that if you want to manifest anything in your life, it's important to
         1. Know exactly what it is that you want.
         2. Create the space & the circumstances that allow you to have it.

It's like an empty cup. You get a cup when you're thirsty, then you fill it with whatever you're thirsty for.

Remember: The harder you try, the harder it is.

Heartfelt Communication

Awesome Communication technique: When someone is in distress, or is expressing frustration, sit in stillness, be very present. Don't say anything & sit with the person, looking at them with loving eyes. Allow them speak for as long as they want, while saying very little. When they're done, avoid saying what you think the person should do (unless they ask you directly). It's ok to say "Thank You" & "I'm here for you" & giving your opinion makes the person feel blamed, shamed, judged, or criticized (no matter what your intentions were)


There exists a tendency to analyze what the other person is saying & for the listener to offer their view of how to "fix" a situation. & what can be detrimental to Loving communication is "you should," or "you need to." This is the ego derailing the intention of Love. Your intentions may come from a loving place, and  it's fear that steps in & gets us off track. While love says, "sit with this person & hold space for them to express themselves," the ego manipulates this & says, "this person is asking for your help & it's up to you to fix it!"


If you get into a conversation where someone is speaking about something that's frustrating them, notice these... if you're offering advice, then the person gets defensive, then the two of you become more frustrated... the ego has effectively derailed the Loving intentions.


At certain moments in our lives, we just want a voice. Offering your opinion without the other person asking for it shuts this voice up. The obstacles to positive communication become more prominent.


In my practice, clients have come to me for varying issues. Holding space for a person to speak opens them up in a way they've not been able to. In a way, it's sad that many people feel like they have to pay for this sort of attention. It's an indication that many of us (especially me in the past) allow the fear of helplessness to distract us from giving each other what we need. 


....Love & Blessings, E.J.

I don't know what you want me to say

I've learned much about communication in a relatively short amount of time.

In my own experience, I've noticed that from time to time the other person I'm in a conversation with tends to get competitive. I, myself have been determined to get the other person to "see my point of view." This is a fear based response. It comes from the fear inadequacy. One party feels as if the solution to a problem is for the other person to see it their way. Rather than holding space for the other person to say what they want to say, & reflectively listen, a competition arises for dominance. The other party makes the problem or conversation about them by determining that the other person has to see it another way (in truth, getting the other party to see things their way). The other party then feels put on the spot, or judged. Anger & resentment begin to grow in the other party, & each party is wondering why the other person is reacting negatively.

This type of communication has turned some of my relationships problematic. I myself am guilty of interrupting & judging the other person for the sake of "doing what I thought would be most helpful." My intentions may have been good, yet I failed to hold space for the other person to talk. I also did not truly listen to what the other person was saying.

In one of my relationships, I am now on the receiving end. The other person wonders why I react negatively to our conversations. The very thing I used to do, this person does. Sometimes I'm interrupted in the middle of what I'm saying. Most of the time, words & phrases like, "you need to do ____" and "this is the reason _____is happening." An argument ensues, then the other person usually responds with "I'm just saying..." or "I don't know what to tell you."

In my previous dealings, if I had allowed the person to talk freely (sometimes known as "venting") without judgment or criticism, things would have gone over much more fluidly. I've learned (the hard way in a few instances) that all I had to do was say nothing, listen & be fully present, & let the other person know that I care about them. Once I've done that, the other person responds in one of 2 ways:

          1. They say, "Thank you for listening."
          2. If it's a problem that they are expressing, they then reply with, "What do you think I should do?"

By creating a space for the other person to say anything, all negativity is effectively grounded & no longer holds the other person in anxiety. Both people walk away with a greater understanding of each other. Both people have a deeper respect. Both people walk away loving each other a little more.

There is a Chinese proverb that says, "there are three truths...your truth...my truth... & the truth."

The truth is that in any communication, especially with family members, love can be facilitated. It truly doesn't matter what you think. The moment will dictate what is necessary. By holding space, listening, & actively seeking an understanding of the person in front of you, you can actually nurture & aid the other person so much more...