Awesome Communication technique: When someone is in distress, or is expressing frustration, sit in stillness, be very present. Don't say anything & sit with the person, looking at them with loving eyes. Allow them speak for as long as they want, while saying very little. When they're done, avoid saying what you think the person should do (unless they ask you directly). It's ok to say "Thank You" & "I'm here for you" & giving your opinion makes the person feel blamed, shamed, judged, or criticized (no matter what your intentions were)
There exists a tendency to analyze what the other person is saying & for the listener to offer their view of how to "fix" a situation. & what can be detrimental to Loving communication is "you should," or "you need to." This is the ego derailing the intention of Love. Your intentions may come from a loving place, and it's fear that steps in & gets us off track. While love says, "sit with this person & hold space for them to express themselves," the ego manipulates this & says, "this person is asking for your help & it's up to you to fix it!"
If you get into a conversation where someone is speaking about something that's frustrating them, notice these... if you're offering advice, then the person gets defensive, then the two of you become more frustrated... the ego has effectively derailed the Loving intentions.
At certain moments in our lives, we just want a voice. Offering your opinion without the other person asking for it shuts this voice up. The obstacles to positive communication become more prominent.
In my practice, clients have come to me for varying issues. Holding space for a person to speak opens them up in a way they've not been able to. In a way, it's sad that many people feel like they have to pay for this sort of attention. It's an indication that many of us (especially me in the past) allow the fear of helplessness to distract us from giving each other what we need.
....Love & Blessings, E.J.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
I don't know what you want me to say
I've learned much about communication in a relatively short amount of time.
In my own experience, I've noticed that from time to time the other person I'm in a conversation with tends to get competitive. I, myself have been determined to get the other person to "see my point of view." This is a fear based response. It comes from the fear inadequacy. One party feels as if the solution to a problem is for the other person to see it their way. Rather than holding space for the other person to say what they want to say, & reflectively listen, a competition arises for dominance. The other party makes the problem or conversation about them by determining that the other person has to see it another way (in truth, getting the other party to see things their way). The other party then feels put on the spot, or judged. Anger & resentment begin to grow in the other party, & each party is wondering why the other person is reacting negatively.
This type of communication has turned some of my relationships problematic. I myself am guilty of interrupting & judging the other person for the sake of "doing what I thought would be most helpful." My intentions may have been good, yet I failed to hold space for the other person to talk. I also did not truly listen to what the other person was saying.
In one of my relationships, I am now on the receiving end. The other person wonders why I react negatively to our conversations. The very thing I used to do, this person does. Sometimes I'm interrupted in the middle of what I'm saying. Most of the time, words & phrases like, "you need to do ____" and "this is the reason _____is happening." An argument ensues, then the other person usually responds with "I'm just saying..." or "I don't know what to tell you."
In my previous dealings, if I had allowed the person to talk freely (sometimes known as "venting") without judgment or criticism, things would have gone over much more fluidly. I've learned (the hard way in a few instances) that all I had to do was say nothing, listen & be fully present, & let the other person know that I care about them. Once I've done that, the other person responds in one of 2 ways:
1. They say, "Thank you for listening."
2. If it's a problem that they are expressing, they then reply with, "What do you think I should do?"
By creating a space for the other person to say anything, all negativity is effectively grounded & no longer holds the other person in anxiety. Both people walk away with a greater understanding of each other. Both people have a deeper respect. Both people walk away loving each other a little more.
There is a Chinese proverb that says, "there are three truths...your truth...my truth... & the truth."
The truth is that in any communication, especially with family members, love can be facilitated. It truly doesn't matter what you think. The moment will dictate what is necessary. By holding space, listening, & actively seeking an understanding of the person in front of you, you can actually nurture & aid the other person so much more...
In my own experience, I've noticed that from time to time the other person I'm in a conversation with tends to get competitive. I, myself have been determined to get the other person to "see my point of view." This is a fear based response. It comes from the fear inadequacy. One party feels as if the solution to a problem is for the other person to see it their way. Rather than holding space for the other person to say what they want to say, & reflectively listen, a competition arises for dominance. The other party makes the problem or conversation about them by determining that the other person has to see it another way (in truth, getting the other party to see things their way). The other party then feels put on the spot, or judged. Anger & resentment begin to grow in the other party, & each party is wondering why the other person is reacting negatively.
This type of communication has turned some of my relationships problematic. I myself am guilty of interrupting & judging the other person for the sake of "doing what I thought would be most helpful." My intentions may have been good, yet I failed to hold space for the other person to talk. I also did not truly listen to what the other person was saying.
In one of my relationships, I am now on the receiving end. The other person wonders why I react negatively to our conversations. The very thing I used to do, this person does. Sometimes I'm interrupted in the middle of what I'm saying. Most of the time, words & phrases like, "you need to do ____" and "this is the reason _____is happening." An argument ensues, then the other person usually responds with "I'm just saying..." or "I don't know what to tell you."
In my previous dealings, if I had allowed the person to talk freely (sometimes known as "venting") without judgment or criticism, things would have gone over much more fluidly. I've learned (the hard way in a few instances) that all I had to do was say nothing, listen & be fully present, & let the other person know that I care about them. Once I've done that, the other person responds in one of 2 ways:
1. They say, "Thank you for listening."
2. If it's a problem that they are expressing, they then reply with, "What do you think I should do?"
By creating a space for the other person to say anything, all negativity is effectively grounded & no longer holds the other person in anxiety. Both people walk away with a greater understanding of each other. Both people have a deeper respect. Both people walk away loving each other a little more.
There is a Chinese proverb that says, "there are three truths...your truth...my truth... & the truth."
The truth is that in any communication, especially with family members, love can be facilitated. It truly doesn't matter what you think. The moment will dictate what is necessary. By holding space, listening, & actively seeking an understanding of the person in front of you, you can actually nurture & aid the other person so much more...
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